Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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