My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
