I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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