I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
