I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
