i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
