I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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