totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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