My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
