I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
