:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
