living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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