Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
