I heard we made out
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
