I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
