I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
