Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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