Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
