I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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