if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
