I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
