Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
