Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
