i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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