So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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