i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
