apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
