I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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