Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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