As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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