The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
