my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
