today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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