I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
