I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
