You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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