The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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