last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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