so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
