Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
