my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
