the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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