5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
