so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
