I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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