If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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