There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
