Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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