I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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