I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
