What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
